CONDOLEEZZA RICE PUMPS IRON / A MEAN GUITAR There's something unseemly -- even a little unsettling -- about how much time the mainstream media heavy-hitters spend obsessing about the "physical fitness" of this particular White House. Thanks to our information gatekeepers, we all know that half of Preznit Dubya's workday is taken up by his exercise routine, and that he has a resting pulse of 40 heartbeats per second. We know that Rumsfeld, nearly an octogenarian, allegedly stands for 8 hours at a time (bullshit!). And now we have a glowing report on the Reverend Doctor Condoleezza Rice Jr's "amazing" feats of strength and endurance in the training room. Yer old pal Jerky has to admit that Condi is a physically attractive woman, even though her hair sometimes gets the better of her. Of course, her problem isn't her looks or muscle tone... it's her incompetence and dishonesty. She could look like Angelina Jolie at 19 and STILL be one of the ugliest women on Earth. A Rochester, New York company has developed paint that can block cell phone signals, so that movies, restaurants and other public places can cut down on chattering idiots and those annoying ring-tones. The only downside? It's fumes cause brain cancer. Never let it be said that Preznit Dubya doesn't love his Muslim brothers and sisters. In fact, a truckload of these new-fangled medical supplies was recently shipped to war-torn Iraq, on his direct orders. Whottaguy!!! So... how do you wage an effective campaign against a political rival who just saved your life? This demo features what is quite possibly the most insanely all-encompassing video game yer old pal Jerky has ever seen. In fact, the gameplay seems so ridiculously involved and complex, there's probably no way I'd even bother trying to learn how to play the damn thing. It's rock and roll, motherfucker! What were you expecting? A peck on the cheek?! Maybe if the dude from the above link had spritzed a little bit of this new fragrance behind his ears before heckling the band, he'd still have his two front teeth (and an achey bunghole). Do you think it's a coincidence that the precipitous drop in Dubya's poll numbers pretty much mirrors the drop in FOX News viewership? This week the Minnesota Republican Party is distributing a new CD about a proposed state marriage amendment. Along with flashy graphics, the CD asks people their views on controversial issues such as abortion, gun control, illegal immigration, and so on. The problem? The CD sends your answers back to headquarters, filed by name, address, and political views. No mention of that in the terms of use. In fact, the Minnesota Republican Party has no privacy policy at all. The implications are sinister, to say the least, unless you think your Republican boss/doctor/public servant doesn't have an interest in what you think about, say... the murder of little unborn babies. Minnesotans, you have been warned. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 28 On this day in 1883, the first ever American "vaudeville" theater opens, in Boston. The entire entertainment industry as we know it ensues. On this day in 1977, Marineland staff successfully breed a killer whale in captivity for the first time, thus marking the beginnings of the potentially lucrative but still highly secretive whale meat trade. Unfortunately, the Japanese continue to prefer free range whale meat, for the time being. On this day in 1983, the final episode of M*A*S*H airs on CBS. It breaks all previous records when 125 million people tune in to watch, and be disappointed by, the show. On this day in 1989, NBC's Today Show co-host Bryant Gumbel becomes the most hated man in television when his arrogant memo harshly criticizing co-stars Gene Shallit and Willard Scott becomes public knowledge.

THEY SAID IT! "When future historians come to write the political story of our times, they will first have to review hundreds of hours of a cable television program called The Daily Show. You simply can’t understand American politics in the new millennium without The Daily Show." - Something tells yer old pal Jerky that journalistic legend Bill Moyers might be just a tad bit jealous of Jon Stewart's cross-spectrum success. *** **** *** "Two FBI agents began the questioning, convinced I was involved in some nefarious web of plots, from planning to assassinate the Pope to masterminding al-Qaeda's finance operation in Europe, or being an instructor in one of its Afghan training camps. They had their perceptions about me and were searching for ways to confirm them -- preferably from my own mouth. By now I'd been raised to the status of some rogue James Bond-type figure. They thought I was a graduate from some prestigious British university, that I was fluent in a dozen languages, that I was an expert in computers and several martial arts… Had it not been for this ludicrous situation I'm in, I would have been flattered. I once said to them, 'I should ask you to write my résumé -- I'd find a job anywhere.'" - You wouldn't think Moazzam Begg -- a British citizen of Pakistani heritage who was held and tortured at Abu Ghraib and Camp X-Ray for years in solitary confinement before being released when it became obvious he was "the wrong guy" -- would be capable of finding redeeming features in any of his captors. You'd be wrong.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Jim Eby! An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks: "Are they twins?" The woman says: "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they look alike?" "No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Wolfgang for sending in today's second joke. A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report: "MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE. I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE, I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OFF TREE. I NOT SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Andres R... Husband goes ti the bathroom and his wife says " Would you grease the bathroom door, the noise is becoming hard to tolerate!" -"Who do you think I am-a carpenter or what!?" Next thing the wife asked her husband to fix the faucet in the kitchen. " Who do you think I am-a plumber or what?!" Next day everthing appears to be fixed and husband asks his wife whether she had invited workmen. "No, the neighbour did it". " How much did he charge you?" "None.He gave me a choice-either sing him a song or give a head" -" What song did you sing for him?" " Who do you think I am-a singer or something!?"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: I AM A (MODERN) RACIST care of: Sherm I am a racist. To be more specific and less of a complete bigot, I am a modern racist. There are plenty of us out there. We don’t believe in white supremacy, we don’t believe that any group is superior to one another but we do believe that some racial stereotypes are funny. Most of these stereotypes we do not acknowledge as true but we use them anyways in a joking setting amongst people we all know and are comfortable with to make those statements around. There are two reasons that we find humour in these racial statements. The first is to mock racism and actual racists. This is necessary since all good modern racists must first acknowledge that most stereotypes are mostly false. We acknowledge that racists are generally the ones deserving of our mockery and contempt. Nobody is intrinsically better or worse than another. The only thing that can lower a person’s worth is the thinking that they are inherently better or worse than someone based on skin color, religion, sexual orientation, lineage, or wealth (especially if it is inherited). The second reason we mock racism is to mock the politically correct. The rampancy of political correctness in today’s world is appalling. In a world where an academic gets in trouble for making an observation that anybody who has taken a high level math class could make, the political correctness has gone too far. Currently, we are dealing with people who will take away somebody’s rights to free speech because a comment made somebody else feel uncomfortable. Saying, “gay marriage is wrong in the eyes of god” should not be viewed as an offensive statement. It is a statement based on personal religious beliefs not shared by the author or the majority of modern racists. However, infringing on a person’s right to say that is the equivalent of saying, “your religion is wrong in my eyes.” Both of the quotes should be accepted as part of an ongoing debate. Specific groups, such as the ACLU are trying to rid the world of intolerance by filling it with intolerance for the views of the intolerant. We, as human beings, are not all the same. Some are men attracted to other men, some are Hindu. If we, as a people, get rid of all differences and cry out “all people are exactly the same” then we are stuck in a monotonous communistic society. I’m not going to go into detail here, but we all know that communism only works in the world of academia, under a perfect case scenario. Communism is based on the fact that people are naturally good. Escaping that notion, it is almost a perfect system. However, an argument is only as good as its base so whenever somebody lies, cheats, or steals, they are proving communism is a flawed system that cannot work. A modern racist does not ever believe it appropriate to, in anger or disdain, call a black person a “nigger,” a Jewish person a “kike,” a Chinese person a “Chink,” or a Muslim a “towel-headed terrorist” to pick a few of my favourites. We do, however believe that those words/descriptions can be used for the basis of a racially humoured joke if there is an obvious implication that it is not meant to be a criticism of that race/religion/gender. Ultimately, a modern racist exists because there are people who can find the humour in everything. A world without laughter is not a world worth living in. William Shakespeare once said, “All the world’s a stage.” We say: “Turn it into a comedy.” - YOP Sherm [Enough with the rationalizations! If you have a "nigger joke" to share, then do it already! I promise not to call the NAACP. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOP Jerkster, Were you watching Dateline night before last? The former head of FEMA was being interviewed over dropping the ball re: Katrina. Dateline shows two vid clips of [judging by their speech and mannerisms] two uneducated blacks, one male and one female, apparently chosen for their indignation and inability to form sentences in correct English. Admittedly, they were emotional and they had legitimate concerns. After their "presentation" Phillips asked Brown how he felt about the whole thing. He said, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to crack the whip and make things happen." Am I the only person to see the impropriety of that phrase? Yes, I know what he meant, but when a Bushite hands the Left ammo like that... Black Dog [Sigh. - Jerky] *** **** *** South Dakota in 2006 is the first time in human history a foetus's life has been considered more important than its mother's (well, except perhaps Julius Caesar). As such, it may represent the lowest point for women's rights in all of human history. Your lives are now officially less valuable than an undifferentiated clump of stem cells. Talk about second-class citizenship and dehumanization????? It's fair to now say that women who vote Republican are as self-loathing as blacks who do so. A.C.D. [It all makes sense when you know that Republicans are planning to give fetuses the vote. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hi Jerky-fuckface-bitch tits with side order of microcock, How dare you use a photo of me that makes me look all blotchy!!! It's a good thing you don't travel the book touring circit because I'd put a double right hook and push your fat little nose up into your brain until you died a blood curdling death. FUCK YOU AND YOUR UGLY MOTHER. Bill O big Cock 'Reilly. p.s. put that in your doobie and smoke it. [Bitch-tits?! I'll have you know that I'm sporting a C-cup, at least. - Jerky] *** **** *** jerky; i been around a lot of years... been a hunter and an infrantry sgt... a member of the nra (years ago) owned 2 issues of "the shooters bible" have collected, and sold many guns. but one thing i ain't never heard of or seen... is a 28 gauge shotgun. .410..20 ga...16 ga...12 gauge, even a 10m gauge once... never, ever a 28 gauge... i'd like to see it BP [Apparently, it's very popular with the ladies. - Jerky] *** **** *** Just for solace: I have been on a couple of drugs prescribed by the VA that help control mood swings and anger. They both give me very colorful, weird. wonderful dreams. At first it bothered me, but once I decided to go with the flow, I have found them to be an endless form of entertainment. I actually look forward to each evening's "featured presentation." Brummbaer [I enjoyed them, too. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; The horror... the horror. XYZ [Ugh. - Jerky] *** **** *** Het MOPJ: Cathy O'Brien wrote about Dick Cheney hunting men in 1995 in her book Trance-Formation of America (you remember that she claimed to be a victim brutalized by men in the highest levels of US Govt.) She wrote that Dick had an addiction to hunting people as a means of traumatizing his "mind control victims" as well as to satisfy his own perverse sexual kinks. Check it out. Vogt [Wow... Whacky! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com