DAILY DIRT TOP TEN LIST REBUTTAL! After running yesterday's Top Ten List - the Top Ten Reasons to Vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger - yer old pal Jerky has been accused of taking sides in California's recall debacle, or as I like to call it, their Special Election, which I mean in the "Special Olympics" sense. Hundreds of Californians have e-mailed me, saying I was wrong to endorse him, calling me an "Arnold Schwarzenegger partisan," and even accusing me of being Republican! Can you imagine?! And now, topping it all off, I've got California election officials hounding me to give equal time to Schwarzenegger's rivals for the governorship! Well sir, there's more than TWO HUNDRED of those fuckers, and there's no way yer old pal Jerky can write two hundred Top Ten lists - about (mostly) absolute nobodies - so basically, what follows is my attempt to gracefully back out of the political mess I've created for myself. Enjoy! TOP TEN REASONS *NOT* TO VOTE FOR ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! Our Top Ten Lists go to 11! - Jerky 11. There isn't enough room in the governor's mansion for all his gym junk. 10. Did you see End of Days? How about Batman and Robin, in which he played Mister Freeze? Those are two pretty good reasons not to vote for him, right there. 9. In order to be a good politician, you have to be a good actor. 8. If budget negotiations get too rancorous, Arnie might fly into an uncontrollable berserker steroid flashback rage. Like the saying goes, it's all fun and games until some innocent bystander gets his pelvis crushed by a single, mighty, open-handed blow. 7. To teach a lesson to those assholes who've been spamming us with e-mails hawking their cheap-ass "Total Recall: Terminator/Governor" t-shirts. 6. If his film career ends now, Arnie's fans will never get to see Last Action Hero II: Return of the Magic Ticket, to say nothing of Red Heat II: Redder Heat, and Jingle All the Way Back! 5. Because when he announced his candidacy on Leno, Arnie said: "I have enough money that I don't have to take any money from special interests." And then, two days later, his new website was up, and on it was the following message: "Please help Arnold Schwarzenegger take his vision for a new California forward by generously contributing now to Californians for Schwarzenegger. Contribute Online NOW!" 4. The last time an Austrian immigrant with delusions of grandeur was handed state control via democratically dubious means, it didn't turn out too good. 3. Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger. Say his name out loud enough times in a row and it begins to lose all connection to reality. Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger. See? Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger. It's meaningless! 2. Electing him might make California vulnerable to terrorist attacks from crazed Jihadists seeking to avenge Arnold's killing of international terror kingpin Salim Abu Aziz at the end of True Lies. 1. Because this whole "recall" thing is utterly fucking preposterous. Extra bonus reason NOT to vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger in the recall election: "Years of dining on that Sweet Kennedy Poontang may have corrupted his Republican sensibilities." Thanks to our old pal Greg for getting that one in at the last second! *** ***** *** Don't forget to check out this week's edition of ROTWANG'S ROCK AND ROLL DEATH-LAB! in which our old pal Rotwang finally reveals the answers to those two "pop quizes" he ran about five months back! Also, a scary look inside the Carpenters' pathetic attempts to remain relevant in the age of MTV! All this and so much more in this week's edition! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 13 Happy birthday to Donny Osmond-throttling, transvestite prostitute-punching Patridge Family alumnus, Danny Bonaduce! Also born on this day, trailblazing televangelist scam-artist Rex Humbard (1919), Cuban revolutionary dictator Fidel Castro Ruz (1927), and Hawaiian ukulele-slinger Don Ho (1930).

THEY SAID IT! "The only lady I've kissed is my mom. To me, the first kiss is one of the most precious gifts I can give away, and it's something I'll only give my wife. My only concern is that it's going to be so wonderful, one of us is going to faint." - Baptist brainwashing victim Adrian Burwell is in for the mother of all let-downs. When his socks fail to be knocked off by that first-ever pressing of lips on lips, do you think Adrian and his equally virginal wife-to-be will blame it all on Jesus Christ? Something tells yer old pal Jerky this is gonna be one of those marriages where there's a fornication-to-childbirth ratio of roughly 1:1. *** **** *** "Schwarzenegger is going to find out that unlike a Hollywood movie set, the bullets coming at him in this campaign there are going to be real bullets, and he's going to have to respond to them." - Allowing his mouth to get ahead of his brain, California Democratic Party Spokesman Bob Mulholland makes a pretty stupid play on words, thus handing right-wing shit-hawk media elements two days' worth of citizen-distraction material.

JOKES! Today's first jokes were sent in by our old pal Mike Davies. "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual." A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge." Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive." Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said "Who's speaking please?" And a voice said "You are." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal David Strong for sending in today's second joke. A major law firm recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please as a courtesy, don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised they would not. A year goes by and finally the unthinkable happens; one of the secretaries is missing. So the head of the Executive Committee calls them into a meeting and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you and your performance. However, sadly, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For one whole year we've been eating attorneys and no one has noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Erika Wheaton-Hudson knew full well that her joke would be placed in the worst joke of the day category when she sent it in. So she better not act all shocked and surprised when she sees this. Q: Why is the sky blue? A: Because if it were green we wouldn't know where to stop mowing!

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dearest Jerky; Sometime ago, you ran a Dirt about adding new curses (bleaching) and another time, you ran one about getting into trouble for what you read. I read both of them but now i'm in trouble. I was driving and eating pizza two weeks ago when a woman driving in front did not move in spite the light was green. I had to shout at her "Move, bleached fucker!!" The next evening, I found myself in the questura (police station) for public misconduct and harassing a police oficer (yeah she was a top cop). Now, I go to the station to sign papers every morning at 7:30, I have eight more days to present an apology and an explanation of what a bleached fucker mean. I desperately need your help for this. Remember, you got me into it! Good news was that during my six hours detention, a cop used the word "fucking bleach" three times at some Domenican rep. hookers just rounded up from the streets (mind u, this is Italy and the cops knows no English!). You see, I followed your comandments and spreaded the bleaching gospel. Signed: Guy about to go jail. Dear Guy in Italy; Just write: "I'm sorry." That will get the apology out of the way. Now, as for the explanation, just write: "A bleached fucker is someone who has applied bleach to his or her anus in the hopes of washing away the brassy patina which sometimes accumulates there." Write it in Italian, of course. Otherwise, I can't guarantee you won't be spending the next few months eating pasta prigioniera - "prison pasta," made with delicious a tomato-based eggplant sauce that's a hit with Woppy jailbirds. *** ***** *** Jerky; Why would you title your Dirt "Read your Daily Dirt daily" and then knowingly only send us half of it? A lot of us aren't willing to go the extra mile to read the rest. Signed: Sarah Kern Because I'm utterly fucking useless. That's why. You got a problem with that? *** ***** *** Jerkster; I'm with you on the mail service in this country. If you want to appreciate your local mailman, live in another country for a while. We do have the best here. Germany's pretty good, but of all the places I've lived, the U.S. has the mail thing figured out. Just thought you might like an email that wasn't biting your ass. Look after your health, brother. Your views and mine aren't in lock-step, but I for one would miss you something awful. I am not joking when I say this country needs you, and those like you. Signed: Black Dog Hey, thanks, brother. Now, if you'll excuse me, I... (sniff) I think I've got something in my eye...

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: IS ANYBODY REALLY FOOLED? Care of: J.D. Buzz Let's face it Jerky. If there have been WMDs in Iraq in recent times, they surely would have been discovered long before now. Are the pathetic, redneck pseudo fascists trying to convince us that they have all been hidden? Spare me this purile drivel. There are enough captured cards from the deck with which to play an indecent game of stud poker, and you're telling me they haven't been able to beat the shit out of them and get the lowdown on WMDs? I think something doesn't quite add up. And while America the beautiful, defender of democracy, freedom and justice goes its own merry way in the world do you think you could put in a good word to your No. 1 and ask him what he proposes to do with our Australian citizen (David Hicks) who is currently in US military custody at Camp Delta in Guantanamo Bay and has been for over 12 months? Our Prime Minster Howard isn't likely to ask Bush for anything apart from the opportunity to suck his golden cock, so I was hoping you might be able to speak up for what was once considered inalienable rights. Cheers Jerky MOP YOP jdbuzz from a land downunder [I'll do that for you first chance I get, JD. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com